Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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