Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
