i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I got inside last night via doggy door
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
