That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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