My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I would ride that face into the sunset
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
