His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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