I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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