i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
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Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
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Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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