I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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