i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just gift wrapped bread.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
