If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
