Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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