Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
