I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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