May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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