My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
