It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
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Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
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Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?