Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
