so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
