I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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