he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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