Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
