I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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