dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
