New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
