It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize