The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
