Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
