Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
