When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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