i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
