Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You pole danced in your parka.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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