I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
