the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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