please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
everyone is single if you try hard enough
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
