Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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