Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
her vagine was all disorganized.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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