it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
