Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
