the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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