Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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