According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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