I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Randomize
