I think I died a long time ago.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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