Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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