Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
