Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
