She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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