Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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