the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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