what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
