I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
