mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
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his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
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Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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