Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
