My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
