Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
