vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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