and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
