You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
