I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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