Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I smell stomach acid.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
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Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
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It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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