please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
