i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
