I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
