Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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